Grief - Do you ever get over it?
What do you feel when you hear the phrase “getting over grief” or “getting over the death of your spouse” or another way that it is phrased is “moving on” or moving past” or even another phrase that can be used is choosing option B. Sheryl Sandberg book, Option B: Facing Adversity, Building Resilience, and Finding Joy tackles the "getting over grief" after the death of her husband. I'll address her story below.
After my second husband passed away, I searched high and low for answers to the losses in my life. I had looked for some peace the first time around when my first husband died through grief groups, prayers, writing, friends, and a new relationship but still, questions continued to haunt my thoughts. The whys, the what ifs, the how can this be, what did I do wrong, and on and on and on.
I tucked many of those questions in my back pocket when I needed to continue to explore my heart, I would pull them out again. However, I was just not finding the answers that satisfied my thirst for answers.
So back to when my second husband died, I deepened my search, I almost became obsessed with finding the answers to bring hope, peace, and comfort to my soul. I demanded to know how I could make this merry-go-round of loss go away. One of my family members even said, “No man will marry her again.” I felt cursed. I wanted to find the cure for the curse.
Finding Answers to Grief
I was so obsessed with finding answers that I went back to grad school again. The search was real. I wanted to have an answer to the questions in my heart and others' hearts and looks and their explanations.
Then my sister’s husband died, and the emotions of the depths of my soul were yelling, “WHAT is going ONNNNNNNN! My daughters even feared for their future husbands.
With each death/loss, I wanted to move past, I wanted to feel less anxious in my body, and I wanted my heart to beat again in a happy rhythm, one in which my face could smile again and find the joys in life. I had to go to the counter of life each day and purchase joy, comfort, and a smile with a quart of gratitude. Many days each of these seemed too expensive to purchase. It would require me to exchange my sorrow, anger, and denial for “being thankful” or “giving in to joy.”
In my search for answers at the beginning of 2015, I came across the story of Sheryl Sandberg.
Sheryl Sandberg and Grief
Two years ago, Sheryl Sandberg was leading a good life. She was the chief operating officer of Facebook and author of the legendary New York Times bestseller Lean In. She was a renowned business leader and a role model for women around the world. She was happily married to Dave Goldberg, the CEO of SurveyMonkey, and they had two young children.
Then the unthinkable happened. On a family vacation in Mexico, Goldberg died suddenly and unexpectedly of heart failure while using an exercise machine. He was 48.
“I was lucky for a long time. And then I wasn’t,” Sandberg said
Sandberg and Grant have co-authored a new book, Option B: Facing Adversity, Building Resilience, and Finding Joy, which chronicles Sandberg’s progress from a state of overwhelming, paralyzing grief to being able to appreciate life in a new way. Stories of others who have faced adversity are included as well.
To her worry about whether or not she and her children were strong enough to get through the grief, Grant answered, according to Sandberg, “Resilience is a muscle and you build it…. Don’t ask me how much you have; ask me how to build it.”
The Three P’s That Hold Back Healing
Sandberg said Grant told her about the three P’s: traps that people fall into when facing adversity ranging from the death of a loved one to getting fired from a job to not getting into the college you wanted.
Personalization - what happened is my fault. Research on resilience that Self-compassion is a key component of recovery.
Pervasiveness - the belief that the traumatic event will turn every area of one’s life into a disaster. “Dave’s death trashed my self-confidence.” Others especially Mark Zuckerberg helped her gain ground back at work even when she fell asleep in meetings. He looked for what she could do during her grief.
Permeance - believing that the all-encompassing grief felt initially will be there forever. “Adam and others said it would feel better. And I did not believe it.” But, she said while the grief remains, “it does not feel the way it did two years ago. I can breathe.” Sandberg said an awareness of the three P’s and the traps they pose can help people in many tragic situations recover more quickly, and even find joy in their lives again.
Tell Your Heart to Beat Again
Danny Gokey, a Top-3 finalist on Season Eight of American Idol, Danny Gokey quickly became a favorite of millions. It was the power of music to provide purpose and direction, especially in the most trying times, that has shaped Danny Gokey’s life and driven his career. Danny grew up in a household where music played an integral role and remained a constant through both triumph and heartbreak. It sustained him through the death of his first wife, Sophia, and is what inspired him to take the stage on American Idol. With the platform the show afforded, Danny aspired to mix hope and entertainment in a way that would truly make an impact. He went on to found Sophia’s Heart in honor of his late wife, which later became Better Than I Found It, a nonprofit organization committed to supporting other nonprofit organizations who are making a difference in their respective communities. Read below the words to Danny Gokey's song, Tell Your Heart to Beat Again.
You're shattered
Like you've never been before
The life you knew
In a thousand pieces on the floor
And words fall short in times like these
When this world drives you to your knees
You think you're never gonna get back
To the you that used to be
Tell your heart to beat again
Close your eyes and breathe it in
Let the shadows fall away
Step into the light of grace
Yesterday's a closing door
You don't live there anymore
Say goodbye to where you've been
And tell your heart to beat again
Beginning
Just let that word wash over you
It's alright now
Love's healing hands have pulled you through
So get back up, take step one
Leave the darkness, feel the sun
'Cause your story's far from over
And your journey's just begun
Tell your heart to beat again
Reading About Others' Struggles
I begin to find my hope to understand my movement through, around, in, between, and about grief through reading about others' struggles, their resilience, their steps, and their moves on the dance floor of loss and life. I tried to almost follow their distinct moves so that I could begin to feel some sense of relief. It was not until my brother-in-law died, did I dug deeper in my pockets to find a place of resilience, resolve, and re-purposing the grief. I couldn’t do my grief the same way. I was going to find it a purpose, potential, and power.
I was not going to waste another minute on circling the WHY merry-go-round one more time. The DEATH had happened. I could not make it go away. I could not change anything. I had to. I mean I had to face MY MUSIC. I had to learn a different dance. I had to find another dance outfit. I had to…..I had to…….I even realized my mindset had to change to get to…... I get to...try this new life….live this new life…..create this new life. I HAD NO choice. For the sake of the generations to come…..I had to take the GRIEF and use it, use it, I mean use it as an ingredient for change, power, purpose, and dreams in my life. I wanted to create not just survive.
What do you want? Many of you are in the first 5 stages of grief. And each day these stages may come in waves. Anger, denial, anger, bargaining, acceptance, and then anger again. What is each stage giving you right now? Have you found some purpose in the pain?
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