Elizabeth Kubler Ross developed the five stages of dying. These stages were developed later as stages of grief. They are denial, anger, bargaining,(what-ifs, if only, we always want more - we all have those feelings) depression, and acceptance (Death and Dying) then they were applied to grief.
The five stages, denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance are a part of the framework that makes up our learning to live with the one we lost. They are tools to help us frame and identify what we may be feeling. But they are not stops on some linear timeline in grief.
Not everyone goes through all of them or in a prescribed order. We hope that with these stages comes the knowledge of grief‘s terrain, making us better equipped to cope with life and loss. At times, people in grief will often report more stages. Just remember your grief is as unique as you are.
They are not a map for grief, no one way to do grief, they are not linear, they are as unique as your fingerprint, the stages follow us we don’t follow them, you can go back to grief, circular around.
The Sixth Stage of Grief
There is now a sixth stage - David Kessler who wrote The 5 Stages of Dying with Elizabeth Kubler Ross has now identified a sixth stage of grief - meaning, finding meaning for the loss - moving forward in a way that honors our loved ones.
How many of us have done this, or want to do this, or need to do this because we want to move on? I guess my question for you would be, how could you honor your husband? Did any of you have talks with your husband before he died about his wishes? I was not privileged to do this but I wished so many times that I could have a talk with my husbands and ask them if I have honored them well or what would they say about the different decisions that I have made.
Many of you may have had dreams or even maybe had “sightings” of your late husband, I remember in my grief group we would talk about unique incidents that would happen that we knew they were there with us. I remember I began journaling again after my first husband died because I wanted to talk to him and ask him questions. I was able to get those questions off my heart, out of my thoughts, and see them on paper. It was healing and powerful for many moving into a different part of the grief journey.
This last week is our group, I posted about two groups of grief, One is the loss, and the second is the remaking of our lives and I asked you to post where you are. I don’t remember hitting the second group until after I had remarried the first time. The second time, I remember wanting to remake my life a little sooner around year 2. We all have reasons why we stay. It was important for me to find answers for myself and my children. I wanted my children to not lose 2 parents because I was out of commission as a mom due to grief. They gave me reasons to start remaking.
The Only Constant is Loss.
Because of the COVID-19 pandemic, many of us have lost loved ones AND the comfort of mourning together as families and communities.
We’ve all lost time, routines, income, connections... The normalcy of life as we knew it is gone.
The five stages, denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance are a part of the framework that makes up our learning to live with the one we lost. They are tools to help us frame and identify what we may be feeling. But they are not stops on some linear timeline in grief.
“People always want to know if there is life after death for their loved ones.
I believe there is, but more importantly, there is life after death for the living.
I want to help them find meaning that honors their loved ones.
Sometimes when we are at our worst, we can find our best.”
~ David Kessler
Tips for Helping with Grief
Realize what is in your control and what is not in your control. (How you love yourself, honoring them)
Live in the probably not in the possible during the pandemic.
Realize what the pandemic can’t touch - your love, your hope, loss of hope is temporary
Don’t give death or the pandemic any more power than it already has.
Torture thought - this is going to pass, we are going to get to the other side.
Find time at your own pace, and bring them into the future with you.
Make a direct ask of someone, “Tomorrow is a hard day for me, can we make some time to talk” This is the kindest thing you can do for yourself.
Be easy, and have some compassion for yourself.
Even if you are alone, you will survive, It is just one day. You choose to live it like you want. The only day for loneliness is community.
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