Some of the most common feelings and concerns after the loss of a spouse are reflected in the following statements:
I felt like I had lost my best friend.
I am angry.
I feel guilty that I didn’t do enough for him/her.
I am afraid.
I worry about lots of things, especially money.
Suddenly I feel very old.
I feel sick all the time.
I think about my own death more frequently.
I seem to be going through an identity crisis.
I feel relieved that his suffering is over, then immediately guilty for feeling that way.
What happens to me when my spouse dies?
Body
Stress on body
Addictions on body - food, drink, drugs
Mind
Stress on mind
Addictions on mind It may seem strange, but several people have reported to me how changing their physical environment has helped their emotional state. We should all from time to time look around our environment … at home, at work. Many times that can reflect our emotional state. A cluttered, untidy, or dismal environment can often reflect a state of mind. But the opposite is also true.
Change usually happens from the inside out rather than the other way. The more you do to enhance your environment, making it cheerful and pleasant, the more your emotional health will be positively influenced.
How to Survive the Loss of a Spouse
Initially, try to avoid major decisions. ...
Consider giving away personal items. ...
Get busy with a passion. ...
Allow yourself to grieve, cry, and feel. ...
Find a sympathetic friend or two. ...
Consider medication. ...
Remember: You will be happy again.
The researchers offered several possible reasons for the cardiovascular decline. These include stress-induced changes in blood pressure, heart rate, and blood clotting.
There is also a tendency after such a profound loss for the surviving spouse or partner to disregard his or her health and become resigned to dying, as my grandmother did. “There’s a kind of giving up or self-neglect that can set in, and some people just really don’t want to go on,” says Dr. Michael Craig Miller, senior editor of Mental Health Publishing at Harvard Health Publishing.
Focus on You
Losing your spouse or partner—especially after many years of being together—can shake up your entire world. “If the main person in your life is suddenly not there, that in itself is extremely stressful. There’s also the stress of restructuring your life.
Mourning for a loved one is important. At the same time, don’t forget about your own needs during this difficult period.
Here are a few things you can do to take care of yourself:
Don’t forget the basics. Eat a healthy diet, walk or get another type of exercise every day, and take your medicine. Attending to your health will make you feel better physically, and take your mind off your loss.
Get out. When friends or family call and invite you out to dinner or to the movies, say yes even though you might be tempted to stay home alone. Maintaining social connections is an important part of the healing process.
Join a grief support group. No one knows what you’re feeling better than other people who’ve been through a similar experience. Your local hospital, senior center, religious organization, or community center can point you to a support group in your area.
Give it time. It can take several months to a year to work through grief and grieving. Allow yourself enough time to let go. However, if a year has passed and you’re still grieving, or if you’ve lost interest in activities you once loved, your grief may have transitioned to something more serious—like depression. Then it’s time to talk to your doctor or mental health professional to help you work through the pain and move forward with your life.
The death of a spouse can certainly bring sadness and loneliness, but recent studies show losing a partner can also have a serious impact on your physical health. Grief comes in a variety of forms ranging from normal grief to complicated grief. Normal bereavement typically takes 6 months to 2 years to process and may not need formal treatment. Complicated grief can last much longer, includes three distinct phases, and usually requires group and individual therapy to work through.
While both forms can take a toll on your health, several practices can help you or your friends and family work through the grieving process healthily. Let’s start by looking at how losing a spouse can create health challenges.
Health Issues Triggered by Grief
Grief of any kind can alter your habits, Causes some level of depression, and can lead to physical changes in your body.
Watch for these health problems if you’ve lost your spouse or want to provide support for someone who is grieving.
Insomnia and exhaustion: Constant memories, changes in routine, and anxiety following the death of a spouse can lead to sleepless nights and exhaustion. Not getting enough sleep compromises your immune system and makes you more prone to catching colds. It can also make you irritable and depressed. This is a normal response, and temporary use of sleeping medication may help as you process your grief and adjust to life changes.
Decreased or increased appetite: Most people experience appetite loss during the beginning of bereavement. This can lead to weight loss and poor nutrition. Over time, the appetite and extra weight returns. Eating a healthy diet and exercising should be a priority as you grieve. Plus, focusing on wellness and moving your body can help relieve stress and boost your mood.
Infection and immune system issues: Scientists have discovered that the emotional stress of losing a spouse suppresses parts of your immune system and can leave you vulnerable to infection. This type of stress and depression increases cortisol levels, which interferes with the functioning of white blood cells called neutrophils that fight bacterial infections like pneumonia. As we age, we lose the ability to produce hormones that combat this effect, so immune system vulnerability is an even greater worry when older people lose a spouse.
Heart palpitations and cardiovascular issues: Panic attacks and stress following the death of a spouse are common. Keep an eye on heart health during the grieving process. Research has linked grieving and heart disease, with the mortality rate from cardiovascular disease increasing by 10% for widowers and 7% for widows.
Depression and memory problems: Some level of loneliness, sadness, or depression is normal. Nearly a quarter of widows and widowers will experience clinical depression during the first year of bereavement. The real concern is if the depression continues for several years. One study showed that caregivers who lost a spouse to dementia often suffered from depression up to three years after their spouse’s death. Depression caused by grieving can also lead to memory problems, especially in older adults. Getting help for depression early on in the grieving process can ward off several other health issues.
Tips for Staying Healthy While You Grieve
If you are proactive, you can help improve the grieving process for yourself or a loved one after the loss of a spouse. Creating a new routine can get you on the path of healing, and wellness practices will boost your mood and your health.
Eat well and often: Because appetite is often affected, it’s essential you eat regularly even if you don’t feel like it. If sitting down to a meal is too much, schedule a small snack every 2 to 3 hours. Make sure you drink lots of water to stay hydrated. Eat nutritious foods or take vitamins to keep your immune system hearty while you work through your stress and grief.
Exercise: Depression can make moving seem impossible, but a leisurely walk will increase blood flow to your brain and improve your mood. Exercise is great for reducing stress, anxiety, and depression. If your energy is low, try a relaxing activity like yoga or meditation, both of which do wonders for your brain health and overall wellness.
Sleep as much as you can: Not getting enough sleep causes increases in cortisol levels, leads to depression, and makes you irritable. Do what you can to get seven hours of sleep a night. Talk to your doctor about using sleep medications temporarily. Take naps during the day if you need to. Do whatever it takes to get enough rest so you don’t wind up exhausted.
Take grieving at your own pace: Bereavement is different for everyone, so don’t let anyone pressure you to get over your loss too quickly or make you feel bad if your mood improves before they expect it to. Some widows and widowers recommend scheduling special times of the day to focus on memories of your spouse. This can help keep sad thoughts from distracting your mind when you need to be productive, like at work. But don’t do this before bedtime because it can keep you awake. Journaling may also help you process your grief at your speed.
Be clear about what you need: Communicate clearly with your friends and family and let them know exactly what you need. It might be an exercise buddy, a reminder to drink more water, a shopping trip to the farmer’s market, or simply be left alone for a day. Your support team can’t help you if they don’t know what you need most during your unique grieving time.
“For almost a year after Jim’s death, I thought of myself as only his wife. I had invested my whole self in him.
I had to think, NO, I didn’t give him all I had, I LOANED it to him. Now I needed to reclaim it, take it back because I needed it for myself.”
Of course, reclaiming one's self is only possible when you know who your “self” IS. Before you can reclaim, you have to identify and redefine, “Who am I NOW” in the light of my loss. The W of WE has to become the M of ME … but turning a W to an M means turning everything upside down, and that is exactly what the widowed person may feel.
So how can a grieving widow or widower redefine themselves? I think it is inextricably linked to interests and experiences. People who get involved, whether in necessary tasks like looking after children, family, or work, or by involvement in the community, groups, and activities, find that these things increase self-esteem and energy as they enhance the person’s identity.
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