There is no perfect or correct way to grieve. The best way to GRIEVE - The beginning of grieving is telling the story over and over and over and over.
I remember being at the funeral home in 1995 after my first husband passed. I felt supported by my community but very unsure of what the future would hold. I distinctly remember telling the story of the accident to who was brave enough to ask.
After the funeral, some friends could hold the story with me cry with me, and ask powerful questions that gave me space to process outside my “widow brain” which was helpful, encouraging, and very healing. I did not understand at the time that telling my story was healing and that telling it over and over was even more healing but I did do that to as many people that could stand to hear it again.
My parents were the best. They would sit with me and hear me recount the story, then they would recount their story, then we would go round and round with the “what ifs” and “if only” and “how can this be”.
I was a younger mother, with a 9-month-old and a 2 almost 3-year-old, her birthday was 2 weeks after her dad died. I would grieve when I would put them to sleep.
Sometimes I could not put them to sleep. I was grieving. I would grieve when I drove my car, went to the grocery store, went to a community event, or spent time with a couple of friends. This was my story. This will always be my story. I did not want it to be my story but it was and now what would I do with it?
Definition of Grief, Grieving and Mourning
Grief is a strong, sometimes overwhelming emotion for people, regardless of whether their sadness stems from the loss of a loved one or from a terminal diagnosis they or someone they love have received. They might find themselves feeling numb and removed from daily life, unable to carry on with regular duties while saddled with their sense of loss.
Grieving - a stronger word than mourning, to feel grief or great sorrow.
Mourning - manifesting sorrow outwardly. This is a story about mourning the loss of someone. When my grandfather passed away, I was four years old. The funeral was at my grandparents' house. People have many ways in which they grieve the loss of a loved one. Some of my memories of mourning rituals were taking pictures of the person in the casket, taking pictures around the funeral home, showing the person in the casket, not showing the person in the casket, wearing black, not wearing black, cremating, not cremating, visiting the grave, not visiting the grave, and many more mourning rituals give narratives to how we say goodbye to those who die.
We all have ways in which we mourn, don’t we? We do what is best and right for us at the time.
Seven Emotional Stages of Grief
The seven emotional stages of grief are usually understood to be shock or disbelief, denial, bargaining, guilt, anger, depression, and acceptance/hope.
We as a society are VERY uncertain about how to grieve and grieve well. Part of this group experience is that you make space for grieving and grieving well. If we do not allow ourselves to feel grief, fear, and despair and discover, get curious, and seek clarity around why this is hard for us, we can experience feeling stuck and numb.
Miriam Greenspan wrote a book called “Healing Through the Dark Emotions”. I am slowly reading the book in small pieces and re-reading it. Ms Greenspan is a psychotherapist who has walked through her own personal loss and transition and also visits with individuals suffering from grief. She believes that in America's emotion-phobic culture, people have been taught that grief, fear, and despair (a.k.a. depression) are bad, pathological, and dark emotions that must be shunned, stifled, or controlled. But she believes that instead of being an obstacle to a rich and rewarding life, they can be seedbeds for gratitude, faith, and joy when nourished properly.
Why do we think we have to grieve the same?
Maybe it is what seems familiar to us. I remember being in our grief group and telling stories about how we processed our loss afterward. Some ladies told stories about how they got rid of his stuff immediately, others told stories about how they held on to everything. I sat there as a 29-year-old widow wondering if had I done it “right”. Should I have held on to stuff for the girls? Should I have given someone something? 25 years later, I sit here knowing I did what I could do at the time and that was enough. My girls don’t ask about his college papers or books, or his old high school jacket, or his baby clothes. They have been very gracious and understanding of what I kept and what I let go.
Grieving or Mourning or Grief: These words describe what happens to us all over when our loved one leaves this Earth. We will not know what to do. We will not know how to do it. Grief journeys can seem difficult and uncertain and yet somehow we do survive and we come out of the young widow fog with hope and courage for our next chapter or even our next adventure.
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