The other day I rode down a country dirt road with my husband to a local natural spring and watched him slowly and meticulously fill up 40 milk jugs with natural spring water. This place is very familiar to him and all the folks in their neck of the woods. Even while we were there, other local people lined up their trucks behind us, to wait their turn to gather their own natural spring water. Each week, local families gather milk and tea jugs and large containers to collect natural spring water. It takes about 36 seconds to fill each jug and about 15 minutes to drive down the country dirt road. The whole trip is about a 45 minute endeavor to bring home “healthier” and free water for the family. My husband enjoys the spring water for his fancy coffee machine. He says his coffee tastes better and helps the life of the coffee machine. Maybe so.
This family tradition seems ingrained in the very existence of this family system even to the point when we drove up, other family members came out to unload the truck. I was touched by the team-approach to the spring water unload. Even the children pitched in and made the water transport to the house quick and manageable.
It is amazing what we will do to save a dollar or find a better way to drink water. We can go to great lengths to find the best deal or retrieve something that will bring us a healthier physical life. However, what are we doing to unload our heavy burdens that we gather throughout our daily lives? Are we paying attention to how we are feeling - sad, mad, happy, discouraged, frustrated - after daily losses, transitions, and just the in and out struggle of being on this planet?
Do we understand that our thoughts come from our beliefs and our beliefs come from our soul which can become negatively contaminated and tattered and worn from the world's emotional toxins, losses, transitions, fear tactics and daily expectations? Do we search for answers to our internal pain or do we shove it away underneath the covers of comfort or the laughter of avoidance?
I believe we have to find answers to our pain because our mind, body, and life demands we find answers to what is ailing us. Right? The things that happen to us - losing a job, the death of a family member, the pain of divorce, the loss of a good friend, or struggles with co-workers - need our BETTER attention.
What do I mean by BETTER attention? The attention that hears and sees the pain, trauma, or struggle. The keen attention that hones in on what the body and mind are saying about the loss. This intentional attention would be the power of grieving what was lost, destroyed, shame and guilt inflicted, or hope decreased.
So, yes. You can grieve. Of course, we can let the words, emotions, and physical moves of grief out on a daily basis but do we do it? I know, you may think I don’t have time to pay attention to me. I don’t even have much time to pay attention to those that are around me that I love.
Well, something motivates a family tradition to collect water even if it is to save a few dollars or collect better water for a favorite coffee flavor. If you paid attention to your own emotional water supply, would you believe that it could make you healthier or maybe save you some change?
Can I Not Grieve, Please?
Well, I do hear as I work with people, “I just don’t want to be sad, angry, disappointed, or frustrated.” Yes, I get that. Could we just be happy and satisfied each and every moment of the day? What a life that would be if we could hold on to the very Garden of Eden life before the fall of mankind and walk around naked in this immaculate and peaceful garden talking to God without a care in the world.
However, we had that and we chose the bite of death. So…here we are with a new destination trying to find our way back to the powerful union that brought us here in the first place and in this journey of self-discovery, we may ask the question, can I not grieve, please?
But we have to. We grieve so we can know. We grieve so we can glimpse back into the garden for a short time to be reminded of our true nature as humans. We grieve so we can feel the power of the bigger picture of life and be comforted by the powers of the divine and not our man-made comforts that only bring us to gardens of destruction.
We grieve because we are sad, mad, discouraged, and frustrated when we are bombarded with a war of loss on each side of our existence. Grieving is the power we have to remake our world and reconstruct that which was lost to find the meaning that is ours to have and become.
But Wait, There Is A Cure
Grief has a cure? I recently listened to a Ted Talk by Norah Casey, an Irish businesswoman, magazine publisher, television personality and broadcaster from Dublin, Ireland. called A Cure for Grief. So…I watched. I was curious about what she would say.
She began, “One day, instead of pouring over the symptoms of grief I googled these words…“What is the cure for grief?” There was only one concrete answer and it came from a man I had never heard of before.”
Over a hundred years ago an amazing author and anarchist Elbert Hubbard, along with his wife, died aboard the Lusitania when it was sunk by a German submarine off the Old Head of Kinsale on May 7, 1915. Elbert wrote…“The cure for grief is motion.”
The First Cure for Grief
The first cure for grief is motion. Well, well…I can see this. If you consider what it is we do to face our day each day, we are moving but I would like to add to this in our movement. Does it direct us to reconstruct our meaning, our own identity? Those who are grieving and know they are grieving say they can feel stagnant or stuck. Motion would be the opposite of the position of stuck or stagnant.
I know when I grieve, I move and I am stuck in places that might not be the best for me. I have noticed that I can be moving but still grieving.
Would moving help you in your grieving place?
The Second Cure for Grief
The second cure for her grief was dopamine. Dopamine is a neurotransmitter made in your brain. It plays a role as a “reward center” and in many body functions, including memory, movement, motivation, mood, attention and more. She stated about dopamine,
“And when it’s absent there is no motivation to get it moving again. But what I discovered that night is that when the bit of my brain which was loved up and thriving on my bond with Richard was missing it was possible to get that dopamine flowing again through another route – facing fear, taking risks doing something new and shocking your brain into firing up again.”
The Third Cure for Grief
The third cure she stated was finding others that have journeyed down the road you are traveling. Norah Casey continued, “If you really want to know how to get somewhere you want to be then ask for directions from someone who has got there before you.”
I remember that I did best with reaching out to others for help, encouragement, and advice on how they did what I was about to do. I read and listened to their stories. I asked them out for coffee or lunch. I knew that I would find a deeper meaning and discover who I was if I reached out for those that could tell me what the journey looked like ahead of me.
Clean Water and Emotions
I know that it does take time to do the things that are meaningful for you. Just like my husband’s family, for years they have collected clean water from a local natural spring to help their family. It has a traditional flavor to the event, but it sure does make the coffee taste better and the coffee machine lasts longer and maybe even a belief that longevity is in their favor (My husband’s father is 93 years old).
We do have a way to cure many of our ailments in life but the ailment of grief can get us tripped up and keep us stuck in a state of inactivity for a very long time, even many years.
Do you have something that you do that helps you face your grief each day?
Do you have rituals that keep you coming back to the reminders that you are worth the attention to find your own cure to grief just like Norah Casey?
She found some “cures” that helped her to face her life again and kept her moving to reconstruct a new life, her new life. The pain of losing her dear husband catapulted her into discovering that she could find her answers even when others may not like how she did her own cure for grief.
What is your cure for grief? Can you take 45 minutes each week to go collect your healing water for your own grief journey? Here is something to help if moving can feel difficult or not worth the energy it takes. These attentions made my journey some days much more manageable.
Daily Attention to Grief
Write at least 8 emotions/feeling words every day on paper of your choice or even a notecard. Make sure you have a comfortable writing utensil. You may also type but writing does have research to back up its healing properties.
Do something to keep your mind off your loss.
Participate in movement/exercise each day.
Do something for someone else.
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Angela Stuart-Jackson, LPC, She received her Master’s in Marriage and Family Therapy from John Brown University. She is a licensed professional counselor in the state of Arkansas, USA. In her clinical work, she enjoys working with individuals and couples after loss and transition. She is currently working with The Portland Institute for Loss and Transition for Grief Therapy in Meaning Reconstruction.
She loves all things Enneagram, and as a certified Enneagram Mental Health Professional, she applies Enneagram work to her work in a clinical setting. She also provides an Immanuel Approach modality for clients who journey in grief with a religious or spiritual compass.
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