Grief is rooted in human connection. And if we didn’t have grief, we wouldn’t know how deeply we were capable of loving someone. Emily Gough
Grief and love are intertwined. Have you heard this saying before? Grief and love are intertwined. I had heard this before but not until my first husband passed away in a tragic auto accident on the afternoon of September 13, 1995. He called from a Motorolla bag phone. He was 10 minutes from the house when he called. It was the last time to hear his voice. You see, we had just recently purchased a bag phone. Remember those bulky analog phones that made you feel like you were more than you were when you rode around in your car taking "important" calls? Yes, he called me on that phone. He had a question and then we were over.
This story is not about the bag phone but that he called. I heard his voice. The love of my life, his voice, and then we were over. The relationship between grief and love became real and painful that day. I fought in my heart to try to make sense of what happened. I blamed so many things. My grieving heart was fighting for the love I lost.
29 years later, I catch myself reliving and regretting that moment and find myself navigating the emotions of grief from that day. Maybe you have some emotions tied to your grief. Maybe you know that love and grief our intertwined but how do you move to a place of allowing love to usher in a deep healing of what you believe is forever lost?
Grief and love are sisters, woven together from the beginning. Their kinship reminds us that there is no love that does not contain loss and no loss that is not a reminder of the love we carry for what we once held close. Francis Weller
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How Can Grief Expand Our Capacity to Love
After that Wednesday evening, I became a different person. Maybe, you are asking, "What does that mean?" It was as though I had up-leveled in my love of humans. I saw others differently for the first time. Grief did expand my capacity to love but it was not overnight. Grief was a close friend many years after that fatal night. I had children to love and a life to continue living. Yet, I began to notice how acceptance, grace, mercy, and love became a close companion leaving less room for quick judgments and ignorant opinions. Experiencing grief begins to allow compassion and empathy to open my heart to what I did not understand before.
I remember meeting a woman in a local mall shortly after my husband passed away. She told me that her ex-husband had left her with four children and she recently had a relationship with another man in which a child was conceived. That man also left her. The small child was with her that day. She was surviving just like me. She was hoping and believing as I was. How similar we are in our losses and how we spoke to each other even if our losses were different. I needed her that day to remind me that my story was not small.
The Lasting Impact of Love After Loss
Love doesn't end when someone is gone; it transforms into memories, legacies, and even actions inspired by the person. This photo above is my husband who died on September 13, 1995. His name was Jason. He loved and cared deeply for all people not just his family and friends. He was a physical therapist who was loved by the community he served. Because of his death, many patients could not come back to the office. Just entering the building brought deep sadness to each of them.
Shortly after his death, his position was replaced by a traveling therapist. Life does continue to move forward to take care of the humans in its presence. Many people were changed the day he died. I was one of them. Today, I remember him and write this blog to let you know that his love for me, helped me to love more and I am forever thankful. His love for me and our daughters has brought healing to many and has continued to help me find meaning on my grief path.
I am thankful that I was given the chance to be loved by him and I am better because I took that risk. Love comes with grief. Love is a profound risk. However, I believe it is a reality more than a risk. We will have grief if we choose to love but because of this reality, we have an immense opportunity to heal from that which we suffer - of our human "beingness". Love, if allowed heals. In this healing there is meaning. When we hold back from love, we lose this beautiful chance to love and without love we flounder, we wander without purpose, and we die with sorrow and worst of all, hate for ourselves, and others.
Love is Real
Grief is a powerful testament to the power of love. We are reminded how we were loved and how we had a chance to give back love. That day my husband died, I heard his last loving word. I was given one more chance to hear his voice because of that Motorola bag phone. For many years, I was angry about that bag phone. I did find a reason to blame it for the tragedy. However, it allowed one more spoken word, and I am thankful I had a chance to hear his voice one last time.
Have you in your grief forgotten that you were allowed a moment to love and be loved? These emotions, grief, and love, are kin, they are sisters that are born to walk together and remind us that we grieve because we are loved. Remember today that you are given many chances to love and with that will come grief but all you will become real just like the Velveteen Rabbit and life will be better for you and others when you do.
Find a way to listen to the grief within yourself on the path of grief. If you need help with the journey, reach out for a safe and listening ear. I have openings right now. Would love to help walk with you on this journey.
If you liked this post, consider reading this next. I think you'll like it ;) It's more about how to find your way after a loss.
Angela Stuart-Jackson, LPC, received her Master’s in Marriage and Family Therapy from John Brown University in Siloam Springs, AR. She recently received her certification in Grief Therapy with Meaning Reconstruction from the Portland Institute for Grief and Loss. She is a licensed professional counselor in the state of Arkansas, USA. In clinical work, she enjoys working with individuals and couples.
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